S.G. Browne

Leslie from the wonderful world of comcast asks:

What are your favorite foods?

For some reason, there’s this misconception that all zombies crave brains. This is just more Hollywood propaganda meant to make us look like the archetypal monsters they want you to believe we are.

First of all, brains are extremely difficult to get to. All of those movies and videos with zombies cracking open skulls with their hands and fingers. I mean, come on. Can you crack open a skull with your bare hands? Try doing it with decomposing tendons. And biting into a skull? Please. You have any idea how hard a human skull is? You ever try cracking open a cooked crab with your teeth? Not gonna happen. Now throw in the fact that your gums are rotting and your teeth are one missed formaldehyde fix from becoming a souvenir for some lucky Breather, and maybe you can see my point.

By the way, most zombies who’ve been around for a while are on a strict soft food diet. It’s not uncommon to see older reanimated corpses eating baby food.

Personally, I really love Cinnabons and Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. Though occasionally I like a nice pulled pork and Breather sandwich.

Thanks for asking!

(This is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

Blysse Burnerchic from Black Rock City, NV asks:

When you’re dining out with a zombie and their ear falls off in their soup, is it considered proper etiquette to point it out to them?

Dining etiquette is always a touchy subject when it comes to the undead.

What’s an appropriate finger food?  How do you handle a dinner guest with leaky orifices?  And should you serve a Cabernet or a Pinot Noir with your mother’s broiled ribs?

These dilemmas aside, when it comes to spontaneous dismemberment at the dinner table, it can be quite embarrassing for both parties.  No one wants to be the bearer of bad news.  But much the same way it’s polite to let someone know they have spinach stuck between their teeth or a glob of mayonnaise on the corner of their mouth, it’s always proper to let someone know when their ear has fallen into their soup.  Unless of course you’re out at a five star restaurant and looking for a good lawsuit.

Thanks for the question.

(This is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

Dane Zomboy Patrick from the cyber land of Yahoo! asks:

Do you guys ever have any problems with parts falling off? My left arm keeps dropping to the ground?

Yes Dane, parts falling off is a common problem among zombies and a constant source of embarrassment and shame.  Imagine the humiliation of impotence, only instead of not being able to become physically aroused, your uncooperative member falls off.

While I personally haven’t suffered the indignity of spontaneous dismemberment, as it’s called in the community, I know a number of zombies who have had to seek counseling to deal with the emotional fallout.  And if that’s not bad enough, fraternities often send their pledges on scavenger hunts for zombie appendages.

As for the problem with your arm, I suggest suturing it in place or even using a staple gun.  But if the flesh at the point of attachment has started to turn and the sutures just keep tearing out, then you might want to try some duct tape.

Thanks for the question…

(Once again, this is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

This week, AJ Eberly from the land of hotmail asks:

Has there been any talk from Hollywood about turning your memoirs into a feature film? I know I’m just dying to see it. Who do you think could “breathe” unlife into you the best?

Actually, yes.  There has been talk of turning my memoirs into a feature film.  More than just talk.  Fox Searchlight Films, a division of 20th Century Fox, has acquired the film rights to Breathers to be co-produced by Diablo Cody and Mason Novick, with Geoff Latulippe on board to write the screenplay.

They’re pretty cool for a trio of Breathers, though I haven’t met Diablo Cody yet.  Whenever I bring it up, Rita gets upset.  I get the feeling she’s a little jealous.

As for who could “breathe” unlife into me on the silver screen?  I’m sure there are a number of quality Breathers out there I’m leaving off the list, but I don’t get to the movies much since we’re not allowed in movie theaters and my parents didn’t splurge for On-Demand.

Still, I could see Jason Segel or Jake Gyllenhaal playing me.  Anne Hathaway could play Rita, with James Franco as Jerry.  I’d love to see Christopher Walken as Ray.  Or maybe Steve Buscemi, though he could play Carl or Tom.  And I think Bruce Campbell would be great as my dad.

Which makes me wonder, who do YOU think should play me or Rita or Jerry or anyone else in the film version of Breathers?

On the Undead Anonymous site, visitors can ask Andy, the main character of Breathers, questions about what it’s like to be a zombie.

This week, Tom, from somewhere in GMail land, asks:

Andy, do you floss regularly?  What does a zombie do about halitosis?

Good question, Tom.  Most Breathers tend to think that once you become a member of the walking undead, all of your personal grooming habits get tossed out with the bathwater.  Which is actually not something I’ve ever done, but it’s the first metaphor that popped into my rotting brain, so I went with it.

To be honest, I wasn’t much into dental care when I was a Breather.  Kind of took the whole flossing thing a bit lightly.  But once your become a zombie and you realize that if your teeth fall out there isn’t a dental hygienist in the county who’s willing to go anywhere near your mouth, you tend to develop better habits.  So yeah, I floss every day.  Morning and evening.  I prefer the Johnson and Johnson mint waxed floss, though dental tape can be more effective for cleaning between teeth that are not tightly spaced – a common problem for the undead.

As for halitosis, there’s not a lot zombies can do other than use a lot of mouth wash and eat a lot of breath mints.  Jerry pops Altoids regularly, which seems to help, but honestly, when your internal organs are gradually liquefying, you just have to get used to the fact that you’re not going to go out on a lot of second dates.

Thanks for asking!