S.G. Browne

Ask Andy – Dining Advice

(This is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

Ryan, a teenage zombie from the land of Yahoo!, asks:

As a fellow zombie, I’ve only, so far, been eating brains. I’ve lately been wanting to, uhh, expand my horizons, as it were, and I was wondering if you could recommend any of the juicier parts of the body. Thanks.

Well Ryan, personally I’ve always found brains to be a little soupy and messy and not worth the effort it takes to crack open the skull.  Plus there’s always the risk of mad Breather disease, so I tend to stick to the fleshier parts of the human body.

The main thing to remember when selecting a body part is that exercise and age toughen meat.  So using that as a guideline, the legs, neck, shoulder, butt, and flank will be far tougher than the seldom exercised rib and loin.  Old Breathers will be more sinewy than teenagers, especially the pampered ones, so it’s advisable to select a Breather that’s a couch potato under the age of 30.  Shopping in affluent neighborhoods is always a good rule of thumb, too.

My advice?  You can’t go wrong with ribs from an undergraduate at a private college.

Bon appetit!

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Filed under: Ask Andy,Breathers — Tags: , — S.G. Browne @ 3:28 pm

Ask Andy – Momloaf

(This is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

Chris, from the wide wide world of AOL, asks:

I particularly loved the references to eating your parents. Thanks for the recipe tips, but you left out one of my favorites, Momloaf. What goes in it besides Mom? Thanks!

Well, your basic Momloaf recipes are all pretty much all the same: a pound of ground Breather, 2/3 cup milk, 1/2 cup cracker crumbs, 1/4 cup ketchup, 1/2 cup finely chopped onion, 1 tsp salt, 1/8 tsp black pepper, and one egg, beaten.  Mix it all together, form into a loaf, bake in a baking dish or loaf pan at 350 degrees for an hour, then slice and serve with mashed potatoes, green beans, and a nice central coast Pinot Noir.

Some recipes call for Worcestershire sauce, sage, garlic, or dry mustard, but that’s just showing off. If you want basic Momloaf the way, well, Mom used to make, then follow the recipe above.

Just remember that when selecting what portion of Breather to use, the shoulder cut, or chuck, makes the best all around ground Breather. It has just enough fat to make it juicy and provide an excellent natural flavor. Though if you want to go for the leaner option, meat taken from the thighs, or round, is a good choice for calorie counters.

Thanks for the question!

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Filed under: Ask Andy — Tags: , — S.G. Browne @ 10:32 am

Ask Andy

(This is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

This installment of Ask Andy comes from Anthony, who asks:

Will you be back in another great novel?

Well Anthony, if I had my way I would, but I have to leave that up to the so-called creator of my world, the author of Breathers, who at this point is non-committal about whether or not there’s a sequel.  According to him, if he can come up with something fresh and original, something that doesn’t just seem like a derivative of Breathers, then he’d be willing to consider it.

But from what I’ve heard, he’s just sold his second novel and as far as I know, I’m not in it.  Some other guy named Fabio is the main character and is apparently the immortal personification of Fate.  I guess a reanimated corpse wasn’t good enough anymore.  Whatever.  I guess I’ll just sit around and twiddle my thumb and wait for the phone to ring.

Thanks for the question.

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Filed under: Ask Andy — Tags: , — S.G. Browne @ 3:33 pm

Ask Andy

(This is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

Sique, from the United Kingdom, asks:

Would a living person be welcome (as a guest, not a snack) at a UA meeting? Would they be welcomed with open arms, or open jaws?

At least once a month, the Breather liaison from the County Department of Resurrection stops by to check in on us and make sure we’re behaving and decomposing like good little zombies.  While we resent the fact that the county sends a Breather to monitor our meetings and behavior, we still do our best to make them feel welcome.  But for some reason, the living seem to be more uncomfortable around us than we are around them.  It doesn’t help when Naomi puts her cigarette out in her empty eye socket or when Tom constantly fingers the loose flaps of skin on his face.

But to answer your question more directly, yes, they would be welcome.  All we ask is for the opportunity to have a dialogue with Breathers so that they can understand who we are and what we desire.  The liaison is simply there to observe, not listen, so there’s not a whole lot of give and take with them.  But if we could get a reporter or a police officer or a member of the PTA to attend our meetings so that we could have an honest conversation with them, they would be welcome with open arms.

Of course, most Breathers tend to run away screaming when a zombie comes walking toward them with a big smile on his face and his arms open for a hug.  Oh well.

Thanks for the question!

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Filed under: Ask Andy,Breathers — Tags: — S.G. Browne @ 10:33 am

Ask Andy

(This is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

This week’s question comes courtesy of Eleni, who asks:

Hannibal Lecter enjoyed human kidneys w/ a side of lima beans and a glass of Chianti. Do you enjoy a similar dish?

Actually, I’ve never been much of a fan of legumes, though they are a good source of fiber.  Give me a good arugula salad with sliced pears and asiago cheese.  And I’m more of a rib man myself.  Personally, I would pair a nice Bordeaux when serving internal organs.  And although I believe Hanibal liked his liver with fava beans, Chianti goes better with Breather bolognese, but to each his own.

Thanks for the question.

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Filed under: Ask Andy,Breathers — S.G. Browne @ 10:11 pm