S.G. Browne

On the Undead Anonymous site, visitors can ask Andy, the main character of Breathers, questions about what it’s like to be a zombie.

This week, Tom, from somewhere in GMail land, asks:

Andy, do you floss regularly?  What does a zombie do about halitosis?

Good question, Tom.  Most Breathers tend to think that once you become a member of the walking undead, all of your personal grooming habits get tossed out with the bathwater.  Which is actually not something I’ve ever done, but it’s the first metaphor that popped into my rotting brain, so I went with it.

To be honest, I wasn’t much into dental care when I was a Breather.  Kind of took the whole flossing thing a bit lightly.  But once your become a zombie and you realize that if your teeth fall out there isn’t a dental hygienist in the county who’s willing to go anywhere near your mouth, you tend to develop better habits.  So yeah, I floss every day.  Morning and evening.  I prefer the Johnson and Johnson mint waxed floss, though dental tape can be more effective for cleaning between teeth that are not tightly spaced – a common problem for the undead.

As for halitosis, there’s not a lot zombies can do other than use a lot of mouth wash and eat a lot of breath mints.  Jerry pops Altoids regularly, which seems to help, but honestly, when your internal organs are gradually liquefying, you just have to get used to the fact that you’re not going to go out on a lot of second dates.

Thanks for asking!

Little did I know that when I wrote a dark comedy about a newly minted zombie dealing with life after undeath that I’d run across four other authors who were also penning zombie novels.  And that all five of our novels would be coming out in early 2009.  Can I have an uhhhhhhnnnn?

First up is You Are So Undead to Me (Razorbill) by Stacey Jay, a YA novel about a teenage zombie hunter and her fight to save her prom date from getting eaten.  Release date January 22, 2009.

Next up is Mark Henry’s Road Trip of the Living Dead (Kensington), which is the second in the Amanda Feral series about zombie, vampires, werewolves, and other cuddly, lovable creatures who haunt the Pacific Northwest.  Road Trip hits the road February 24, 2009.

Another YA title, Zombie Queen of Newbury High (Puffin) by Amanda Ashby, follows the exploits of Mia Everett who accidentally turns the entire senior class into brain-dead, flesh-munching zombies just in time for prom and finds herself up first up on the menu.  Due out March 5, 2009.

Then there is Carrie Ryan’s debut novel, The Forest of Hands and Teeth (Delacorte), about a young girl living in a post-zombie-Apocalypse world who begins to discover the truth about the world in which she lives.  At your local bookstore March 10, 2009.

Finally, rounding out the quints of zombie prose, the thumb to join the other four, decaying fingers, is my own Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament (Broadway), a dark comedy about undeath through the eyes of an ordinary zombie.  It’s a classic story of suffering and redemption, like The Color Purple or the New Testament.  Only with cannibalism.  Breathers is scheduled to hit the shelves March 17, 2009.

2009 may be the Year of the Ox, but as far as I can tell, it looks like it’s shaping up to be the year of the Zombie.

For the recently reanimated, getting used to your undeath can be a challenge. In addition to the stigma associated with spontaneous resurrection and the constant threats of dismemberment and immolation by a society that no longer considers you human, there are a number of physical challenges that most new zombies aren’t prepared to face. Like the emotional fallout from a rapidly digesting pancreas, the embarrassment of having one of your main body cavities burst open, or the frustration of trying to keep your tissues from liquefying. Just to name a few.

At Undead Anonymous, we’re here to help.

Sponsored by the Department of Resurrection and the SPCA, Undead Anonymous offers a safe, nurturing environment for zombies to gather. Whether you’ve died in a car accident, been stabbed to death, beaten to death, mauled by dogs, committed suicide, choked on your own vomit, or just plain died of a heart attack, at Undead Anonymous, you’ll find the guidance you need to navigate your new existence.

So stop by and join one of our meetings, get to know some of your fellow zombies, and discover that there is life after undeath.

A friend asked me what the difference was between an ordinary zombie and a dysfunctional zombie.  So I explained.

An ordinary zombie is just dealing with the fact that he has no rights and that he has to obey the rules of a discriminatory society that reviles him, all while dealing with his gradually decomposing body and the smell of hydrogen sulphide escaping from his various orifices and the embarrassment of having one of his main body cavities burst open in public.

A dysfunctional zombie, on the other hand, would be subversive and belligerent and would likely end up being sent off to the county redistribution center to be used for cadaver impact testing or left out to rot on a hill to help in the scientific study of criminal forensics.  Or else he could end up with his head in a chicken roasting pan at a face-lift refresher course for budding plastic surgeons.

So every year at the World Horror Convention, the assembled writers gather together to spew their most vile creations.

It’s called the Gross Out Contest.

You get five minutes of reading time.  If after three minutes you’re not disgusting or entertaining enough, you get the thumbs down from the audience and get dragged off stage by the bouncers.

Not as bad as getting picked last for kickball, but still…

Prizes are awarded for the top four entries.  Meat shower curtains.  Gummy haggis.  Top quality stuff.  I earned the coveted gummy haggis for my third place finish.

My entry was about a zombie gigolo having sex with three different female zombies in various stages of decay.  While it’s based on some of the concepts in my novel BREATHERS, the entry is a little more hardcore and the necrophilia isn’t quite as tasteful.

You can view my reading at the following site, but it does contain explicit language and zombie sex, so don’t blame me if you find it offensive.  Or if you find it funny:

http://www.atomictomato.com/sgbrowne/

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to finish before my five minutes were up.  But just in case you’re curious, the last line is:

“If you’ve never had maggots crawling around inside your rectal cavity and feasting on your subcutaneous fat, then you probably wouldn’t understand.”