Okay, so I’m about three weeks late with posting this interview on Fangoria.com, which was actually my first live interview. I realized how much I ramble when speaking live to someone rather than having the chance to actually take the time to craft my answers in a written interview format. Which is why writers need editors.
The interview was done by Matt Goodlett, who originally wanted to talk to me for a piece in the Omaha City Weekly. I think that ran back in the second week of March. Matt put the expanded interview on Fangoria. I think it turned out pretty good, in spite of my rambling. Plus they posted the YouTube link to one of the Necrobufrin videos:
Necrobufrin Kills Depression
In other news, I’m getting interviewed Tuesday by someone from the Chicago Tribune about a piece on the recent increase in all things zombie and, presumably, on Breathers. This is supposed to take place about the time I’m sitting in the rain and thunder for the Giants opening day at AT&T Park. Then on Wednesday, a review is supposed to appear in the Style section of The Washington Post.
After that, a zombie trend story that will include Breathers is scheduled appear in the Thursday, April 9 issue of USA Today. And TIME magazine will be including Breathers in a zombie book round-up currently set to run in the April 20 issue (on newsstands April 10).
So this week looks like it’s shaping up to be a lot of fun. Now if only the rain will hold off until Thursday…
(This week’s blog is brought to you courtesy of Andy)
“I’m at the Soquel Community Center, sitting in a semicircle of chairs that’s open toward a petite, fifty-two-year-old woman who looks like my third grade teacher. Except my third grade teacher never ended up on the wrong end of a twelve-gauge, pump-action Mossberg.”
Meet Helen. The group moderator of Undead Anonymous who does her best to make me and the rest of her fellow zombies come to terms with our new existence. Only Helen prefers to use the term “survivors” rather than zombies because she’s fond of euphemisms.
Helen used to counsel other “survivors” in her private practice before she became one herself. Her prior experience with zombies is the main reason she was allowed to head up the local UA chapter.
At every meeting, Helen starts off by writing something inspirational on the chalkboard, something to remind us of the bond we share, of what we have to look forward to, of our humanity:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
FIND YOUR PURPOSE
HOPE IS NOT A FOUR-LETTER WORD
I WILL NOT CONSUME THE LIVING
While I appreciate what Helen is trying to do, at times she reminds me of Mary Poppins – always cheerful and full of advice that works for characters who live in movies, fairy tales,or the Playboy Mansion. Still, her heart is in the right place and I know she truly cares about us, which is more than I can say for my parents.
Next entry: I is for Investigate (aka Research)
I had a number of fun responses to what G should be for: Gore, Gases, Guts, Gross, Ghoulish, Ghastly, Gangrene. But the one that resonated more than the others was Graveyard.
Who doesn’t like graveyards?
In Breathers, Andy and the other members of Undead Anonymous spend a lot of time in graveyards – visiting loved ones, paying respects to the recently buried, and digging on the vibe. After all, they have more in common with the dead than with the living. And graveyards are the only place where zombies can gather without having to worry about being carted off by Animal Control.
The graveyards, or cemeteries, in Breathers do exist and I hung out in several of them in order to add some realistic details to the scenes. Particularly the Soquel Cemetery, where Andy’s wife is buried. (She died in the car accident and didn’t reanimate). Even the cypress tree that resembles Tom with his missing arm is there.
A number of the tombstones mentioned in the book also exist, including the one for Santa Claus. However, the marker with the marble cat curled up beneath the solitary name Lilith is an homage to one of my cats – a black Alpha female named after the character on Cheers who was killed and eaten by another animal in July of 1995.
My cat, not Bebe Neuwirth.
(Next entry: H is for Helen)
On the Undead Anonymous site, visitors can ask Andy, the main character of Breathers, questions about what it’s like to be a zombie.
This week, Tom, from somewhere in GMail land, asks:
Andy, do you floss regularly? What does a zombie do about halitosis?
Good question, Tom. Most Breathers tend to think that once you become a member of the walking undead, all of your personal grooming habits get tossed out with the bathwater. Which is actually not something I’ve ever done, but it’s the first metaphor that popped into my rotting brain, so I went with it.
To be honest, I wasn’t much into dental care when I was a Breather. Kind of took the whole flossing thing a bit lightly. But once your become a zombie and you realize that if your teeth fall out there isn’t a dental hygienist in the county who’s willing to go anywhere near your mouth, you tend to develop better habits. So yeah, I floss every day. Morning and evening. I prefer the Johnson and Johnson mint waxed floss, though dental tape can be more effective for cleaning between teeth that are not tightly spaced – a common problem for the undead.
As for halitosis, there’s not a lot zombies can do other than use a lot of mouth wash and eat a lot of breath mints. Jerry pops Altoids regularly, which seems to help, but honestly, when your internal organs are gradually liquefying, you just have to get used to the fact that you’re not going to go out on a lot of second dates.
Thanks for asking!
flesh decomposing?
body cavities bursting?
eat formaldehyde
I think I speak for all embalmed zombies when I say that formaldehyde is the best thing since bacon. Without it (formaldehyde not bacon), your body will go bad faster than cottage cheese. And the consistency won’t be that much different.
If you consume enough formaldehyde, you can keep the decomposition of your body and internal organs at bay. Even if you can’t get hold of the industrial strength stuff, formaldehyde can be found in lipstick, makeup, fingernail polish, toothpaste, mouthwash, deodorant, antiperspirant, bubble bath, bath oil, shampoo, and soft drinks.
Unfortunately, if you weren’t embalmed prior to reanimation, no amount of Suave Kiwi shampoo is going to keep your internal organs from turning into chicken noodle soup. Unless you can somehow manage to get hold of the industrial strength stuff, your won’t have the shelf life of 2% pasteurized milk.
Of course, no one wants to reanimate while you have a cannula inserted in your carotid artery, but it beats watching your tissues slide off your bone like non-fat yogurt.
(Next entry: G is for…I haven’t made up my mind. What do you think it should be for?)
