S.G. Browne

(This entry brought to you courtesy of Andy)

I supposed K could have been for Kill.  (Obvious)  Or Kidney.  (Good stuffed in mushrooms)  Or Kinky.  (Zombie sex)  Or even Kyanize, which is defined as:

to make resistant to decay by treatment with a solution of mercuric chloride

Of course, this only pertains to wood, which doesn’t help the living dead and would only cause Jerry to snicker and make some comment about “sporting wood…”

Jerry: Dude, you said “wood.”

See what I mean?  So you get the point.  In any case, none of them appealed to me or to the author, who is a bit of a shut-in and could use a trip to the Hustler Club, if you get my drift.  So we ended up going with Kibosh.

Why Kibosh?  Because of this line in Breathers:

“…being able to smell your own rotting flesh tends to put the kibosh on your belief in a divine power.”

Needless to say, zombies don’t tend to have a lot of faith in God.  You don’t see the undead shambling to the local church in their Sunday best to sing the praises of a higher intelligence.  Most of us would rather stay home and watch football.  Or curl up with a good book and a cup of tea.

Once you reanimate, you wonder what kind of God would purposely do this to you?  Never mind about the life that you’ve lost and are now forced to watch from the sidelines.  Forget about the way your dog rolls on your or the way your cats use you for a scratching post.  What you wonder is what kind of a higher intelligence would bring you back from the dead to be ridiculed and vilified and imprisoned in a zombie zoo?  Or worse, on a reality TV show?  While it’s bad enough to have to deal with the embarrassment of public sloughage, there’s nothing worse than suffering through the indignities of putrefaction on network television.

It’s enough to turn even the most devout believers into skeptics, so it’s not surprising that zombies can tend to get a little surly.  Of course, just because we have our doubts about the existence of a supreme being doesn’t mean we don’t have a conscience.  After all, when you’ve started eating human flesh, even if you’ve never believed in God or heaven, you still tend to wonder about eternal damnation.

(Next entry:  L is for Lullaby)

A conversation between Andy, the main character in Breathers, and Jerry, his best friend…

Andy: Jerry is a twenty-one-year-old car crash victim with an exposed brain and very little self awareness.
Jerry: (Waving)  Hey.

Andy:  They can’t see you, Jerry.  This isn’t on television.

Jerry:  Oh.  (Simulates masturbation)  So they can’t see this?

Andy:  (ignoring Jerry) A fifth of Jack Daniels, half a dozen bong hits, no seat belt, a utility pole, and bad judgment on a right-hand turn sent Jerry through the windshield of his cherry red 1974 Charger and skidding along River Street on his face.

Jerry: Road rash city.
Andy:  Which is how he ended up as a member of Undead Anonymous.

Jerry:  Total bummer.

Andy: Yes.  But maybe you wouldn’t be a zombie if you would have exercised a little more common sense behind the wheel of your car.

Jerry: Dude, you fell asleep while driving home from a party and like, totally killed your wife.

(Sound of crickets chirping)

Jerry: Sorry dude.  That was harsh.

Andy: It’s okay.  At least I don’t wear my baseball hat sideways and my pants halfway down my ass.

Jerry: (hiking up his pants)  It’s the style, dude.  The chicks dig it.

Andy: Breather women don’t dig undead, decomposing slackers.

Jerry: Yeah, but there’s some totally hot zombie chicks out there who are interested in a good stiffy.

Andy:  You’re referring to your permanent, post-mortem erection.

Jerry:  Terminal boner, dude.

Andy:  Jerry fancies himself a ladies man among zombies.

Jerry:  (popping a couple of peppermint Altoids)  Curiously strong.

Andy:  Yeah, well, they’ll have to be more than curious to have an impact on your breath.

Jerry:  Or I could go around wearing women’s make-up like you.
Andy:  I think we’re done here.

Jerry: (removing his hat and leaning forward) Dude, you wanna touch my brain?

(Next entry:  K is for ???  Send me your suggestions)

“Up until about three weeks after death, the internal organs of a corpse can still be identified.  After that, the internal organs turn to chicken soup.”

The previous culinary analogy was something I gleaned from a wonderful book titled STIFF: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach.  From STIFF, I also learned about cadaver impact testing, that unembalmed dead people basically dissolve, and that when maggots feast on the subcutaneous fat of a corpse, it sounds like Rice Krispies.

Snap, crackle, pop.

Throw in the fact that marshmallow is made from gelatin, which is derived from the collagen inside the skin and bones of pigs and cows, and suddenly those Rice Krispie treats don’t sound so appetizing.

In addition to the helpful tidbits of information I found in STIFF, I read an enlightening on-line article by Dr. Trisha Macnair about human decomposition that explained how, in the tropics, a corpse can become a moving mass of maggots within twenty-four hours.

Both of these sources helped me to add a visceral reality to Andy’s world that I couldn’t have made up.

I think it’s impossible to write a work of fiction without doing some research.  I don’t know about other writers, but I’m not a bottomless source of information, so I need some help when my imagination fails me. And adding some facts to the fiction makes the story more believable.

When I write, the story typically unfolds as I’m writing it, so I don’t always know what research I’ll need to do until it becomes apparent that the scene or chapter I’m writing needs some help.  Like the scene where Andy discusses the different types of wine he’s consuming (I’m a Boddington’s man).  Or the chapter where Andy’s mother helps him apply make-up.

In addition to researching what happens to human bodies post mortem, I read the TV Guide to make sure I knew what programs were on and when, visited an on-line wine store to improve Andy’s beverage selection in his parents wine cellar, hung out in the Soquel Cemetery for a couple of hours with a notepad, and studied up on the different shades and brands of Rita’s lipstick.  I also read up on how to preserve game meat, who’s involved in a television production crew, what people have as their first memory, and how to apply concealer, foundation, and contouring powder.

I’m sure I’ve made some errors in my research.  Although I am a man, occasionally I do make mistakes.  But I had a lot of fun blending fact and fiction to create the world in which Breathers exists and try to make it believable.

(Next entry:  J is for Jerry)

So last week my marketing manager at Random House presented my with the opportunity to contribute a blog to a web site called Largehearted Boy, which is, per the web site:”a music blog featuring daily free and legal music downloads as well as news from the worlds of music, literature, and pop culture.”

One of the ways the site blends literature and music is in their Book Notes series, where authors create and discuss a music playlist that in some way relates to their recently published novel.

I’d never really thought about creating a playlist for Breathers, but once I got going, it seemed like a natural fit. Plus I had a lot of fun.

Check out the Breathers Playlist and let me know what you think.

In other fun news, USA Today did an online and print article on the front page of the Life section titled, “Zombies lurch into popular culture.”

Read the article.

Personally, I like the print version better because the cover of Breathers is included, whereas it’s left out in the online version.  But it’s not like I’m complaining.  Okay, maybe a little.

What’s also great about the article is that it plugs several other zombie novels, including three by some YA authors I’ve become friends with through the magic of the Internet:  Carrie Ryan (The Forest of Hands and Teeth), Amanda Ashby (Zombie Queen of Newbury High), and Stacey Jay (You Are So Undead To Me).

Check ’em out!  And look for the zombie round-up of fiction in the April 20 issue of TIME.

(Once again, this is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

This week, AJ Eberly from the land of hotmail asks:

Has there been any talk from Hollywood about turning your memoirs into a feature film? I know I’m just dying to see it. Who do you think could “breathe” unlife into you the best?

Actually, yes.  There has been talk of turning my memoirs into a feature film.  More than just talk.  Fox Searchlight Films, a division of 20th Century Fox, has acquired the film rights to Breathers to be co-produced by Diablo Cody and Mason Novick, with Geoff Latulippe on board to write the screenplay.

They’re pretty cool for a trio of Breathers, though I haven’t met Diablo Cody yet.  Whenever I bring it up, Rita gets upset.  I get the feeling she’s a little jealous.

As for who could “breathe” unlife into me on the silver screen?  I’m sure there are a number of quality Breathers out there I’m leaving off the list, but I don’t get to the movies much since we’re not allowed in movie theaters and my parents didn’t splurge for On-Demand.

Still, I could see Jason Segel or Jake Gyllenhaal playing me.  Anne Hathaway could play Rita, with James Franco as Jerry.  I’d love to see Christopher Walken as Ray.  Or maybe Steve Buscemi, though he could play Carl or Tom.  And I think Bruce Campbell would be great as my dad.

Which makes me wonder, who do YOU think should play me or Rita or Jerry or anyone else in the film version of Breathers?