S.G. Browne

Lost Zombies Contest

So my undead friends over at Lost Zombies, a community generated zombie documentary, are hosting a contest where the prize is a signed copy of Breathers.

In order to enter the contest, you have to follow these RULES:

Write a letter instructing friends, family, fellow survivors or anyone else what to do in the event that you are bitten by a zombie. Your entry should begin…

“In the event that I am bitten by a zombie…”

There is no restriction on length. It can be as short or long as you like. The winning piece will also be published in the Lost Zombies Scrap Book.

For more info and to see how to post your entry, visit the Official Event Page at Lost Zombies.

Filed under: Breathers,Zombies — Tags: , — S.G. Browne @ 8:27 pm

Ask Andy

(This is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

Blysse Burnerchic from Black Rock City, NV asks:

When you’re dining out with a zombie and their ear falls off in their soup, is it considered proper etiquette to point it out to them?

Dining etiquette is always a touchy subject when it comes to the undead.

What’s an appropriate finger food?  How do you handle a dinner guest with leaky orifices?  And should you serve a Cabernet or a Pinot Noir with your mother’s broiled ribs?

These dilemmas aside, when it comes to spontaneous dismemberment at the dinner table, it can be quite embarrassing for both parties.  No one wants to be the bearer of bad news.  But much the same way it’s polite to let someone know they have spinach stuck between their teeth or a glob of mayonnaise on the corner of their mouth, it’s always proper to let someone know when their ear has fallen into their soup.  Unless of course you’re out at a five star restaurant and looking for a good lawsuit.

Thanks for the question.

Filed under: Ask Andy,Breathers — Tags: , , — S.G. Browne @ 8:33 am

Breathers – Zombie Pub Crawl and Book Signing

Come for the pub crawl, stay for the brains…

All you zombies, stagger on down to Santana Row in San Jose for a pub crawl and Book Signing Event to help support the rights of reanimated corpses everywhere:

5:00-5:30pm Meet at Straits in Santana Row

6:00pm Stagger to El Jardin in Santana Row (outdoor restaurant at end)

6:30pm Stagger to the Giant Chess Game for a quick Zombies vs Breathers chess match

7:00pm Finish at Borders Santana Row where S.G. Browne will be signing and reading from his dark comedy Breathers: A Zombie’s Lament

“A terrific comedy about the perils and joys of life beyond death…A zombie comedy with brains.”
Kirkus Reviews


(Breathers and zombies welcome)

Filed under: Breathers — Tags: , , , , — S.G. Browne @ 8:11 am

M is for Maggots

(This view on zombie ‘life’ brought to you by Andy.)

It’s not easy being a zombie.

In addition to post-reanimation stress and spontaneous dismemberment, the undead have a host of unique challenges to contend with:

Fraternity pledge scavenger hunts.

We can fight off putrefaction with regular formaldehyde fixes.  We can laugh in the face of a society that no longer considers us human.  We can run away from fraternity pledges or even bite them.  (Which doesn’t turn them into zombies, by the way.  That’s just more Hollywood propaganda.  But it can lead to a nasty infection.)

We can do all of this and more.  But none of it matters if we don’t maintain our personal hygiene.  All it takes is one fly to lay its eggs on an open, festering wound and before you can say George Romero, you’ve got a full-blown maggot infestation.

When a corpse is fresh, it tends to draw flies to it like Republicans to a Democrat sex scandal.  Fortunately, since zombies mimic the living in their movements, flies don’t get a chance to lay their eggs on the various points of entry: eyes, mouth, genitalia.  But exposed flesh wounds are open invitations for a maggot smorgasbord.  Once the eggs have hatched, the maggots eventually eat their way under the skin, feasting on subcutaneous fat.  As I’ve mentioned before, if you get close enough to an infested corpse, you can hear the maggots feeding.  It sounds like Rice Krispies.
There’s nothing more disheartening than coming back from the dead and avoiding random dismemberment and staving off the effects of decomposition, only to let careless hygiene turn you into a walking Rice Krispies treat.  Whereas the average embalmed zombie can expect an undeath expectancy of anywhere from three to seven years depending on the climate, once you’re infested with maggots, you can figure on lasting about as long as a vow of fidelity at a Playboy Bunny orgy.

(Next entry:  N is for Naomi)

Filed under: Breathers,Zombies — Tags: , , — S.G. Browne @ 2:51 pm

Ask Andy

(This is a feature from Undead Anonymous where Andy, the main protagonist of Breathers, answers your questions.)

Dane Zomboy Patrick from the cyber land of Yahoo! asks:

Do you guys ever have any problems with parts falling off? My left arm keeps dropping to the ground?

Yes Dane, parts falling off is a common problem among zombies and a constant source of embarrassment and shame.  Imagine the humiliation of impotence, only instead of not being able to become physically aroused, your uncooperative member falls off.

While I personally haven’t suffered the indignity of spontaneous dismemberment, as it’s called in the community, I know a number of zombies who have had to seek counseling to deal with the emotional fallout.  And if that’s not bad enough, fraternities often send their pledges on scavenger hunts for zombie appendages.

As for the problem with your arm, I suggest suturing it in place or even using a staple gun.  But if the flesh at the point of attachment has started to turn and the sutures just keep tearing out, then you might want to try some duct tape.

Thanks for the question…

Filed under: Ask Andy,Breathers — Tags: , — S.G. Browne @ 10:51 am