S.G. Browne

I’m sitting at a traffic signal, the light turned green, waiting to drive through the intersection as several teenagers who stepped into the crosswalk just before my light changed shuffle across the asphalt like zombies, their feet barely lifting off the ground, walking without purpose.

Slow. Indifferent. Annoying.

Are they conserving their energy for something? Is it a peer display of cool? A nonchalance to give the adult world the finger? The slower you move, the less you care?

All I know is that my light’s going to turn red before they clear the crosswalk.

Lack of courtesy is a major pet peeve for me and it’s something I touch on in the book I’m currently writing. (Not Fated, but Book #3, which I’ve titled Lucky Bastard). My main character is annoyed by a lot of things – cars that take up two parking spaces, neighbors with loud stereos, and cell phone etiquette, among others – so I thought I’d channel him for one of my blog posts.

So besides slow, indifferent teenagers, some of the other things that annoy me:

Street telemarketers.
Bad customer service.
Friends who answer their cell phones in restaurants.

Really, anyone who answers their cell phone in a restaurant. Or while standing in the checkout line at the grocery store. Or in any enclosed, public place. That’s why you have voice mail. You can call them back.

On second thought, maybe it would be more appropriate to think of this as People Who Annoy Me, since most of the things on my list are people.

People who litter.
People who don’t say please or thank you.
People who think movie theaters are interactive experiences.

Almost every time I go to the movies I end up sitting by some man or woman who insists on keeping a running commentary throughout the film. Or who is constantly asking questions. If you don’t understand what’s going on, stop asking your friend or your spouse to explain and figure it out for yourself. Take a class on critical thinking. Improve your ability to problem solve. Read more books instead of watching reality television or playing video games.

Bicyclists who don’t obey traffic laws.
Smokers who think their cigarette butts are biodegradable.
Drivers who don’t understand the concept of merging.

Sometimes I wish there were protocol police, officers of the social graces who would fine people for inappropriate behavior and arrest repeat offenders who would have to serve time at an Etiquette Rehabilitation Center.

As it turns out, I haven’t read a lot of books that begin with the letter E. And I’ve read even fewer that make my list of favorites.

Admittedly, I’ve never read East of Eden by John Steinbeck (or Cannery Row, for that matter). Neither have I read The Eyes of the Dragon by Stephen King, which is probably the only King book I’ve never read. I did read his short story collection Everything is Eventual, but in spite of my last post, I’m trying to refrain from including collections. Plus I didn’t think it was one of his best.

And although I read Edith Wharton’s Ethan Frome in American Literature as a junior in high school, alas, that book wouldn’t make the top three even if it was the only one I’d read that began with an E.

As it turns out, I don’t have three that made the list. And really, only one that was a sure thing. So here we go…

First across the finish line:
The Exorcist, William Peter Blatty
Although the book was first published in 1971, I didn’t read it until 1995. Along with Stephen King’s The Shining, this is one of the only two books I’ve ever read that made me want to leave the light on after I went to bed. Much more frightening than the film. But you don’t get to see Linda Blair vector vomiting split pea soup.

Bringing up the rear:
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer
I actually just finished reading this, mostly because I wanted to read another novel that begins with an E and a friend happened to have this on her shelf. While I liked it, I didn’t love it. I found myself skimming over pages of prose and that’s never the sign of a novel I’m going to love, even if I did find the story and the style in which it was told compelling. And I will pick up Everything is Illuminated to see what that one’s like.

D is also for Delayed, as in this blog post. While I’ll do my best to get out a couple of these each week, occasionally I have something else I want to blog about. Or, more likely, since I’m spending 4-6 hours a day at my computer writing while trying to finish my next book, sometimes I need to unplug.

Plus, I have some books on my shelf I’ve been meaning to read and I’m hoping that somehow I’ll manage to read them before the appropriate letter so I’ll know whether or not to include them. One of those books actually makes this list as this week’s Bonus Entry.

On to the selections for the letter D:

First across the finish line:
A Dirty Job, Christopher Moore
This was my introduction to Moore and it immediately got me hooked. A clever premise, a likable Beta male protagonist, the Emperor of San Francisco, hell hounds, the Grim Reaper, a character named Minty Fresh, and humorous, engaging prose make this a fun read. If you haven’t discovered the world of Christopher Moore, then let this be your first foray into it.

Close but no cigar:
The Dead Zone, Stephen King
If you’ve read my bio or posts about my influences, then you know that Stephen King is the reason I wanted to become a writer. One of his earliest works, and among those I still consider his best, The Dead Zone tells the story of Johnny Smith who comes out of a five-year coma after a car accident and discovers that his head injury has caused him to develop psychic abilities. Good characters. Great storytelling. Vintage King.

At least you’re on the podium:
The Deportees and Other Stories, Roddy Doyle
While this isn’t technically a novel, I’m including it here because it was one of the most enjoyable short story collections I’ve read in years. Written by the author who penned The Commitments, The Snapper, and The Van (all of which were adapted into films), Deportees is a humorous and poignant collection of stories about modern day Ireland.

*Novel you think I would have read:
Dracula, Bram Stoker
This has been sitting on my shelf for I think a good ten years now. Never read it so couldn’t include it on the list. Someday, I’m sure to get around to giving it a look-see.

One of the bonus features of having a book published is the chance to see it in print in another language. Or at least in another country, even if they speak English.

During my recent trip to the World Horror Convention in Brighton, England, I had the chance to meet with Donna Condon, an editor with Little, Brown in the UK. Having already sold the rights for Breathers to Germany, Italy, Poland, and France, we hadn’t been able to find a publisher in the UK or Australia, so I was hoping to remedy that.

As it turns out, I had a great conversation with Donna, not only for Breathers but for Fated, which led to the sale of rights for both titles in the United Kingdom. So never underestimate the benefit of attending conventions.

So far, in addition to the UK, the rights for Breathers have been scooped up by Germany, Italy, Poland, and Japan, while Fated is slated for release in Brazil, Germany, and the UK. As soon as I have images of the foreign covers, I’ll be sure to post them on my web site.

And yes, I realize I mentioned France earlier but have left them out of the schedule. While the rights to Breathers were sold to France, that version, which was already translated and ready to go, unfortunately never made it into print due to unforeseen circumstances. Which is disappointing for many reasons, one of which was the title. It was supposed to be released last fall as Comment J’ai Cuisiné Mon Père, Ma Mère… et Retrouvé L’amour (or roughly translated How I Cooked My Father, My Mother… and Fall in Love Again).

I’m hoping another French publisher picks up the rights and keeps the title. In the meantime, I’m looking forward to the upcoming foreign publication schedule for both Breathers and Fated.

Breathers
August 2010, Germany (Heyne Verlag, Munich)
{Title: Anonyme Untote (Undead Anonymous)}
September 2010, Italy (Valter Casini Editore, Rome)
March 2011, UK (Little, Brown)
(Territories include Ireland, South Africa, India, Australia, and New Zealand)
TBD, Poland (Amber Publishing Ltd, Warsaw)
TBD, Japan (Ohta Publishing Co.)

Fated
November 2010, Brazil (Leya Brasil, Sao Paolo)
Spring 2011, Germany (Droemer Knaur)
September 2011, UK (Little Brown)
(Territories include Ireland, South Africa, India, Australia, and New Zealand)

There are a lot of “C” titles that didn’t make my list of favorite reads. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller. Carrie by Stephen King. Choke by Chuck Palahniuk.

While I enjoyed all of them and more, I’m forcing myself to limit my choices to my top two or three, so it’s inevitable that some worthy reads won’t make the cut. But it’s not much of a list of favorites if I include everything, now is it?

So on to the winners:

First Place
Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger
The fact that Mark David Chapman sat down to read this book after shooting John Lennon isn’t enough to keep it off the list, but I can’t think of this book without getting pissed off at Chapman, who apparently thought Lennon was a “phony.” Still, Salinger’s novel about teenage angst, identity, and alienation resonates nearly sixty years after its publication. Probably one of my favorite books of all time.

Tied For First
Cat’s Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut
The second Vonnegut novel to make an appearance here (and not the last), this is probably my favorite. Not only did he manage to skewer science, technology, and religion, but he created his own religion, the basic premise of which is that all religion, including Bokononism, is formed entirely of lies. Of course, if you believe these lies, you will at least have peace of mind. Nice, nice, very nice.

A Distant Third
City of Thieves, David Benioff
My most recent “C” novel that I’ve read, this one had great characters, a good story, and reminded me that the joy of reading is often the discovery of an author’s ability to craft words in such a way that makes you appreciate the beauty of the written word.

And the first Classic Literature Razzie goes to:
Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky
This was assigned for reading in my high school junior year Western Literature class. The crime was that the book was ever written. The punishment was that I had to read it.