S.G. Browne

So my undead friends over at Lost Zombies, a community generated zombie documentary, are hosting a contest where the prize is a signed copy of Breathers.

In order to enter the contest, you have to follow these RULES:

Write a letter instructing friends, family, fellow survivors or anyone else what to do in the event that you are bitten by a zombie. Your entry should begin…

“In the event that I am bitten by a zombie…”

There is no restriction on length. It can be as short or long as you like. The winning piece will also be published in the Lost Zombies Scrap Book.

For more info and to see how to post your entry, visit the Official Event Page at Lost Zombies.

(This view on zombie ‘life’ brought to you by Andy.)

It’s not easy being a zombie.

In addition to post-reanimation stress and spontaneous dismemberment, the undead have a host of unique challenges to contend with:

Putrefaction.
Discrimination.
Fraternity pledge scavenger hunts.

We can fight off putrefaction with regular formaldehyde fixes.  We can laugh in the face of a society that no longer considers us human.  We can run away from fraternity pledges or even bite them.  (Which doesn’t turn them into zombies, by the way.  That’s just more Hollywood propaganda.  But it can lead to a nasty infection.)

We can do all of this and more.  But none of it matters if we don’t maintain our personal hygiene.  All it takes is one fly to lay its eggs on an open, festering wound and before you can say George Romero, you’ve got a full-blown maggot infestation.

When a corpse is fresh, it tends to draw flies to it like Republicans to a Democrat sex scandal.  Fortunately, since zombies mimic the living in their movements, flies don’t get a chance to lay their eggs on the various points of entry: eyes, mouth, genitalia.  But exposed flesh wounds are open invitations for a maggot smorgasbord.  Once the eggs have hatched, the maggots eventually eat their way under the skin, feasting on subcutaneous fat.  As I’ve mentioned before, if you get close enough to an infested corpse, you can hear the maggots feeding.  It sounds like Rice Krispies.
There’s nothing more disheartening than coming back from the dead and avoiding random dismemberment and staving off the effects of decomposition, only to let careless hygiene turn you into a walking Rice Krispies treat.  Whereas the average embalmed zombie can expect an undeath expectancy of anywhere from three to seven years depending on the climate, once you’re infested with maggots, you can figure on lasting about as long as a vow of fidelity at a Playboy Bunny orgy.

(Next entry:  N is for Naomi)

(This entry brought to you courtesy of Andy)

I supposed K could have been for Kill.  (Obvious)  Or Kidney.  (Good stuffed in mushrooms)  Or Kinky.  (Zombie sex)  Or even Kyanize, which is defined as:

to make resistant to decay by treatment with a solution of mercuric chloride

Of course, this only pertains to wood, which doesn’t help the living dead and would only cause Jerry to snicker and make some comment about “sporting wood…”

Jerry: Dude, you said “wood.”

See what I mean?  So you get the point.  In any case, none of them appealed to me or to the author, who is a bit of a shut-in and could use a trip to the Hustler Club, if you get my drift.  So we ended up going with Kibosh.

Why Kibosh?  Because of this line in Breathers:

“…being able to smell your own rotting flesh tends to put the kibosh on your belief in a divine power.”

Needless to say, zombies don’t tend to have a lot of faith in God.  You don’t see the undead shambling to the local church in their Sunday best to sing the praises of a higher intelligence.  Most of us would rather stay home and watch football.  Or curl up with a good book and a cup of tea.

Once you reanimate, you wonder what kind of God would purposely do this to you?  Never mind about the life that you’ve lost and are now forced to watch from the sidelines.  Forget about the way your dog rolls on your or the way your cats use you for a scratching post.  What you wonder is what kind of a higher intelligence would bring you back from the dead to be ridiculed and vilified and imprisoned in a zombie zoo?  Or worse, on a reality TV show?  While it’s bad enough to have to deal with the embarrassment of public sloughage, there’s nothing worse than suffering through the indignities of putrefaction on network television.

It’s enough to turn even the most devout believers into skeptics, so it’s not surprising that zombies can tend to get a little surly.  Of course, just because we have our doubts about the existence of a supreme being doesn’t mean we don’t have a conscience.  After all, when you’ve started eating human flesh, even if you’ve never believed in God or heaven, you still tend to wonder about eternal damnation.

(Next entry:  L is for Lullaby)

So on Zombie Talk Thursdays on Twitter (#zombietalk), the question posed today was:What songs would you listen to while battling the zombie hordes?

Naturally, since Breathers is written from the viewpoint of the aforementioned and often-maligned zombie hordes, it’s not second nature for me to think about what songs would be appropriate for dispatching of the undead.  But I came up with the following playlist, along with a brief description of why I included each song:

“Down With the Sickness” by Richard Cheese
Both this cover version and the original version by Disturbed appear in the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead. I like this one because it would a nice, surreal, lounge music feel to the mayhem.

“The Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash
Also on the soundtrack to the remake of Dawn of the Dead, this is a prophetic song for a zombie apocalypse.

“Comanche” by The Revels
From the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, this is the song that plays when Bruce Willis take his samurai sword to Zed and his pawn shop pervert pal. Enough said.

“Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” by AC/DC
The opening guitar riff is enough to put me in the mood to pick up an axe and start swinging.

“Dead Man’s Party” by Oingo Boingo
Just to add a little irony to the playlist.

“Brain Stew” by Green Day
Mostly I love the title, but the steady bass beat and the scratchy, dissonant sounds at the end are the perfect aural accompaniment to using a chainsaw.

“Subtract You” by Zebrahead
While the title is appropriate for dispatching the undead, the song itself is fun and playful. And who doesn’t want to have fun when you’re killing zombies?

“No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Alice Cooper
Another well-titled addition to the playlist. After all, you can’t be George Baily and kick some zombie butt.

“Surrender” by Cheap Trick
Like “Subtract You,” this title has the attitude that you’re not backing down. Plus it’s got that uptempo beat that makes getting splattered brains and blood not such a big deal.

And finally, for those lovers committed to battling the zombies together:

“Never Tear Us Apart” by INXS

What are some of the songs in your zombie battle playlist?

You can follow me on Twitter @s_g_browne.  Or follow Andy on Twitter @AndytheZombie.

No.  The title of this blog entry does NOT refer to the Facebook application where you can build an army of zombies and vampires and fight other zombies and vampires to become bigger and stronger.  I stopped playing months ago because I just didn’t have enough time to keep feeding my zombie and taking care of it.  But apparently, in my absence, my zombie has become a Level 6 Samurai.  I have no idea how that happened.But I digress.

Zombies vs vampires.

I’ve always been a zombie fan.  Ever since I saw Romero’s original Night of the Living Dead on Creature Features back when I was in 6th grade. I even used to dream about them chasing me or surrounding my house or doing my taxes.  And I will admit that I enjoy the fast moving zombies as well as the shuffling ones.  They’re both terrifying in their own way.

Vampires?  They’re okay, if you want an immortal, supernatural creature with superhuman strength and the ability to shape shift. I don’t have anything personally against vampires, I’ve just never been that enamored with them.

For the most part, fans are either in one camp or the other.  At least most of the zombie and vampire fans I know.  But I like to generalize, so for the sake of me being right, we’re sticking to this argument for the time being.  You don’t get a lot of fans straddling the fence, loving zombies AND vampires.  And there’s a good reason for this.

Vampires are like fraternity boys.  All pretty and full of themselves and constantly trying to get you into bed.  They primp and they pose and they get all dressed up to go out for a night of partying.  Every move the make, all the posturing they do, is just a smoke screen to lure you in so that they can feed on you.  Drink your blood.  (Okay, maybe not the vampires in From Dusk Till Dawn or The Lost Boys, but your stereotypical vampire, sure.)

They’re insincere.  Hiding their true motives.  Bullshitters.

Zombies, on the other hand, don’t try to impress you with their good looks or their charms or their fancy outfits.  They don’t pretend to be something they’re not.  They wear their decomposing hearts on their sleeves and aren’t ashamed to say, “I’m a zombie and I want to eat your brains.”

I admire that in a monster.  Plus, they’re tragically comical.  Shuffling along, losing their hair and teeth and nails and the occasional appendage.  Add the fact that they used to be us, that we could all become them one day, and it creates a sense of empathy that, ultimately, was the reason I wrote Breathers in the first place.

So how about it?  Zombies or vampires?  Which camp are you in?  Or do you go both ways?