You Might Be a Douche Bag
douche bag or douchebag >noun 1 a device for washing out the vagina as a contraceptive measure. 2 a person, usually male, with a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and engaging in obnoxious and/or irritating actions.
With respect to Jeff Foxworthy, I’ve put together a short list of people who I feel are good examples of douche bags. Or douchebags. Either way works for me. This list was prompted by my recent early morning bike rides, but I thought I’d expand it to include a few other examples.
-If you’re cycling side by side on the Golden Gate bridge and you don’t drop into single file for an oncoming cyclist, you might be a douche bag.
-If you wear a team racing jersey while cycling and you’re not on a cycling racing team, you might be a douche bag.
-If you’re a cyclist who gets mad at a car that almost hit you when you blew through a four-way stop sign, you might be a douche bag.
-If you’re a smoker who believes the sidewalk and the gutter are official depositories for your cigarette butts, you might be a douche bag.
-If you don’t understand the concept of using the ashtray in your car rather than throwing your cigarette butt out the window, you might be a douche bag.
-If you answer your cell phone in a restaurant while your date sits across from you picking at her dinner, you might be a douche bag.
-If you put your cell phone on vibrate but answer text messages while you’re in a movie theater, you might be a douche bag.
-If you invade a foreign country on the premise that they have weapons of mass destruction and it turns out they don’t, you might be a douche bag.
-If you deny your relationship with a White House intern by debating what the definition of the word “is” is, you might be a douche bag.
-If you’re the CEO of British Petroleum and you’re more upset about the fake Twitter account mocking your company than you are about your historic oil spill, you might be a douche bag.
Though I realize there is a degree of homage to Foxworthy in these statements, I believe that, in most instances, “might be” should simply be read as “are”…
Comment by fft5305 — May 30, 2010 @ 9:25 am
Very valid point, but I wanted to at least leave some room for debate. Thanks for the comment.
Comment by admin — May 30, 2010 @ 9:29 am
I haven’t read past your first definition of douche bag yet (I will, as I’m sure this post gets better from there) but I felt the need to comment based upon your definition of douche bag. Douching does not prevent pregnancy or even really “clean” the vagina (the primary motive for douching). In fact it makes the vagina more susceptible to infections and makes vaginal infections worse. The vagina is a self cleaning organ and doesn’t need any help from Lysol (the first company to advertise douching…yeah, because my vagina needs Lysol) etc. I know this isn’t the point of this blog entry but I couldn’t help but share. Carry on, :)
Comment by Leanne — May 31, 2010 @ 9:01 am
Well, that’s what I get for copying and pasting a definition from a word processing program. (The second one was from Wikipedia). Thanks for the clarification. Hope you enjoy the rest of the post.
Comment by admin — May 31, 2010 @ 9:30 am
I did actually. I agreed with everything else you wrote. Accurate and funny.
Comment by Leanne — May 31, 2010 @ 9:35 am
3partial
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