Fabio / Fate – The disgruntled narrator who is frustrated with his misguided humans. Best friends with Sloth and Gluttony. Has a 500- year-old grudge with Death and a love-hate, friends-with-benefits relationship with Destiny. Recently fell in love with Sara Griffen, a mortal on the Path of Destiny. Also friends with Karma and Lady Luck.
Destiny – Fabio’s red-headed foil who loves her humans because they never disappoint her. An unabashed nymphomaniac who repeatedly attempts to seduce Fabio and interfere in his relationship with Sara Griffen. Has a mono-chromatic wardrobe.
Sara Griffen – The mortal love interest of Fabio who enjoys eating leftovers, jogging in Central Park, and playing Strip Scrabble. Since she’s on the Path of Destiny, Fabio has no idea what she’s destined for.
Dennis / Death – Once best friends with Fabio, had falling out when he refused to kill Columbus prematurely to prevent European colonialism of the Americas. Wears blue contacts and suffers from a severe case of necrophobia.
Karma – Alcoholic friend of Fabio who inflicts instant karma on hapless humans and likes to spontaneously combust at inappropriate moments. Once filled Celibacy’s gym locker with naked pictures of Confidence.
Lady Luck – Friendly, flighty, ADD afflicted immortal who enjoys vacationing in Las Vegas, Monaco, and Atlantic City. Can occasionally be found at race tracks and helping underdog sports teams pull historical upsets.
Sloth – Narcoleptic pothead and one of Fabio’s best friends. Enjoys recreational drugs and playing video games all day long. Favorite word is “Dude.”
Gluttony – Weight-challenged and lactose intolerant immortal who is never more than fifteen minutes from his next meal. Frequently dines with Sloth.
Jerry/God – Omnipotent megalomaniac who created the universe and pretty much runs everything.