An interview with Fate, Destiny, and a couple of Deadly Sins
SGB: Thanks for taking the time for the interview. I know how busy you all are.
Sloth: I’m not busy.
Gluttony: Newsflash from slacker central.
Sloth: Eat me, fatso.
Gluttony: Don’t tempt me. (finishes off a bag of potato chips) I’m still hungry.
SGB: Maybe we can get back on track here.
Fate: (checking his watch) Is this going to take long? I have a busy schedule.
Destiny: Oh relax. Learn how to enjoy your immortality once in a while.
Fate: Easy for you to say. All of your humans live up to their potential. Try dealing with a bunch of career politicians and chronic underachievers for a few thousand years and see how you feel.
Destiny: Oh come on, Fabio. Don’t be so melodramatic.
Fate: I’m not being melodramatic. Every time one of my humans makes a bad choice, I have to reassign his or her fate. Do you know how many bad choices humans make in a single day?
Destiny: I wouldn’t know.
Fate: My point, exactly. You get to award multiple Oscars and Wimbledon championships while I get to hand out failure and obesity.
Gluttony: (belching) We prefer ‘gravitationally gifted.’
SGB: (to Fate) Maybe you should explain why Destiny calls you Fabio.
Fate: That’s just the name I go by when I’m dealing with the so-called most intelligent life forms on Earth. Humans tend to give you weird looks when you claim to be Fate.
Sloth: Or Death. Remember when he came riding in on that pale horse with hell following behind him? Totally freaked everyone out.
Gluttony: Dude, that’s in Revelations. It hasn’t happened yet.
Sloth: It hasn’t?
SGB: (to Fate) Speaking of Death, I understand the two of you haven’t spoken in five hundred years. What led to the rift?
Fate: It had to do with Columbus and European colonialism. It’s complicated.
Destiny: It’s not complicated. You just need to learn how to grow up.
Fate: You’re one to talk. Last I heard, you slept with Immaturity and Petulance.
Destiny: At least I’m not dating a mortal.
Sloth: Destiny 1, Fabio 0. Ka-ching!
Fate: Don’t you have some video games to play?
SGB: (to Destiny) You’re, of course, referring to Sara Griffen.
Destiny: The one and only. He’s been seeing her for months. It’s scandalous.
Fate: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Destiny: Come on, Faaaaabio. Just admit it. You’re in love with her.
Fate: It’s against the rules for me to get involved with humans.
Gluttony: That doesn’t sound like a denial.
Fate: You’re not helping.
Destiny: (singing) Fabio and Sara, sitting in a tree…
Gluttony: You better just hope Jerry doesn’t find out, dude.
SGB: Who’s Jerry?
Gluttony: Dude, come on. You wrote the book.
SGB: Just humor me. I’m trying to ask leading questions.
Sloth: Does anyone mind if I take a nap?
Destiny: (sighing) Jerry is God. The Big J. He runs the whole show.
Fate: The thing about Jerry is that he’s a megalomaniac.
Sloth: (yawning) Totally.
Destiny: Well, we all have our cross to bear. So to speak.
Gluttony: Yeah. I’m lactose intolerant. Found that out the hard way.
Sloth: I’m narcoleptic.
Gluttony: No surprise there.
SGB: (to Destiny) How about you?
Fate: She’s a nymphomaniac.
SGB: Really? (runs a hand through his hair) What are you doing after the interview?
Destiny: Sorry. Unlike Fabio, I don’t slum with humans.
Fate: It’s hardly slumming. She’s on your path, you know.
Destiny: And the truth shall set you free.
Fate: I hate it when you quote Jerry.
SGB: (to Fate) Everyone else seems to have an issue. So what’s yours?
Fate: You’ll have to read the book to find out.
Destiny: Why don’t you just tell him?
Fate: Why don’t you mind your own business?
Destiny: This coming from someone who’s having sex with one of my humans.
Fate: (turning red) I’m not going to justify that comment with a response.
SGB: Any final thoughts?
Fate: (checking his watch) I’m late for a meeting with Jerry.
Gluttony: I’ve got a Weight Watchers seminar to sabotage.
Destiny: I have a date with Karma.
SGB: Well, thanks for stopping by. Give my regards to Jerry.