S.G. Browne


Andy Warner, the hero of Breathers and I Saw Zombies Eating Santa Claus, has always nurtured a bit of a creative side, penning the occasional haiku to help him deal with the challenges of being a reanimated corpse.

In I Saw Zombies Eating Santa Claus, Andy copes with his captivity in a zombie research facility by rewriting “If I Only Had a Brain” from The Wizard of Oz. Naturally Andy’s lyrics, which you can read below, are a little darker.


“If I Only Had Some Brains”

lyrics by Andy Warner


I could gnaw away the hours

Delightfully devour

Digesting Johns and Janes

And my mouth I’d be fillin’

While my hands were busy killin’

If I only had some brains


I’d faddle and I’d fiddle

Fat fry you on the griddle

Sautéing your remains

On your flesh I’d be snackin’

And your skull I would be crackin’

If I only had some brains


Oh, ever since I’ve died

I’ve longed for blood and gore

Just to sit and eat the brains that I adore

And then I’d sit and eat some more


I would bake you in a muffin

Complete you with some stuffin’

Or maybe some whole grains

In a shake made with dairy

I would top you with a cherry

If I only had some brains


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