Ryan, a teenage zombie from the land of Yahoo!, asks:

As a fellow zombie, I’ve only, so far, been eating brains. I’ve lately been wanting to, uhh, expand my horizons, as it were, and I was wondering if you could recommend any of the juicier parts of the body. Thanks.

Well Ryan, personally I’ve always found brains to be a little soupy and messy and not worth the effort it takes to crack open the skull.  Plus there’s always the risk of mad Breather disease, so I tend to stick to the fleshier parts of the human body.

The main thing to remember when selecting a body part is that exercise and age toughen meat.  So using that as a guideline, the legs, neck, shoulder, butt, and flank will be far tougher than the seldom exercised rib and loin.  Old Breathers will be more sinewy than teenagers, especially the pampered ones, so it’s advisable to select a Breather that’s a couch potato under the age of 30.  Shopping in affluent neighborhoods is always a good rule of thumb, too.

My advice?  You can’t go wrong with ribs from an undergraduate at a private college.

Bon appetit!

Chris, from the wide wide world of AOL, asks:

I particularly loved the references to eating your parents. Thanks for the recipe tips, but you left out one of my favorites, Momloaf. What goes in it besides Mom? Thanks!

Well, your basic Momloaf recipes are all pretty much all the same: a pound of ground Breather, 2/3 cup milk, 1/2 cup cracker crumbs, 1/4 cup ketchup, 1/2 cup finely chopped onion, 1 tsp salt, 1/8 tsp black pepper, and one egg, beaten.  Mix it all together, form into a loaf, bake in a baking dish or loaf pan at 350 degrees for an hour, then slice and serve with mashed potatoes, green beans, and a nice central coast Pinot Noir.

Some recipes call for Worcestershire sauce, sage, garlic, or dry mustard, but that’s just showing off. If you want basic Momloaf the way, well, Mom used to make, then follow the recipe above.

Just remember that when selecting what portion of Breather to use, the shoulder cut, or chuck, makes the best all around ground Breather. It has just enough fat to make it juicy and provide an excellent natural flavor. Though if you want to go for the leaner option, meat taken from the thighs, or round, is a good choice for calorie counters.

Thanks for the question!

This installment of Ask Andy comes from Anthony, who asks:

Will you be back in another great novel?

Well Anthony, if I had my way I would, but I have to leave that up to the so-called creator of my world, the author of Breathers, who at this point is non-committal about whether or not there’s a sequel.  According to him, if he can come up with something fresh and original, something that doesn’t just seem like a derivative of Breathers, then he’d be willing to consider it.

But from what I’ve heard, he’s just sold his second novel and as far as I know, I’m not in it.  Some other guy named Fabio is the main character and is apparently the immortal personification of Fate.  I guess a reanimated corpse wasn’t good enough anymore.  Whatever.  I guess I’ll just sit around and twiddle my thumb and wait for the phone to ring.

Thanks for the question.

Sique, from the United Kingdom, asks:

Would a living person be welcome (as a guest, not a snack) at a UA meeting? Would they be welcomed with open arms, or open jaws?

At least once a month, the Breather liaison from the County Department of Resurrection stops by to check in on us and make sure we’re behaving and decomposing like good little zombies.  While we resent the fact that the county sends a Breather to monitor our meetings and behavior, we still do our best to make them feel welcome.  But for some reason, the living seem to be more uncomfortable around us than we are around them.  It doesn’t help when Naomi puts her cigarette out in her empty eye socket or when Tom constantly fingers the loose flaps of skin on his face.

But to answer your question more directly, yes, they would be welcome.  All we ask is for the opportunity to have a dialogue with Breathers so that they can understand who we are and what we desire.  The liaison is simply there to observe, not listen, so there’s not a whole lot of give and take with them.  But if we could get a reporter or a police officer or a member of the PTA to attend our meetings so that we could have an honest conversation with them, they would be welcome with open arms.

Of course, most Breathers tend to run away screaming when a zombie comes walking toward them with a big smile on his face and his arms open for a hug.  Oh well.

Thanks for the question!

This week’s question comes courtesy of Eleni, who asks:

Hannibal Lecter enjoyed human kidneys w/ a side of lima beans and a glass of Chianti. Do you enjoy a similar dish?

Actually, I’ve never been much of a fan of legumes, though they are a good source of fiber.  Give me a good arugula salad with sliced pears and asiago cheese.  And I’m more of a rib man myself.  Personally, I would pair a nice Bordeaux when serving internal organs.  And although I believe Hanibal liked his liver with fava beans, Chianti goes better with Breather bolognese, but to each his own.

Thanks for the question.

Dave, who writes from his parents’ wine cellar somewhere, asks:

How hard was it for you to adjust to your new friends at UA? Is it hard coping with other Walkers(Zombies)?

Well Dave, when I staggered into my first Undead Anonymous meeting, it was a bit of a shock.  Carl picking at the stab wounds in his face, Naomi with her empty right eye socket and sagging face, Tom playing with the loose flaps of his cheeks. I know I was worse off than all of them put together but still, spending two hours a night twice a week with animated, decomposing corpses isn’t something you ever really plan on fitting into your social calendar.

But the thing is, we were all connected by the same experience.  By the same stigma.  To use one of Helen’s euphemisms, we were all survivors.  It didn’t take long for me to get used to them. To be honest, I had a harder time adjusting to myself.  If you’ve never woken up in the middle of the night to the overwhelming stench of wet, mildewing garbage only to realize that the stench is coming from you, then you probably wouldn’t understand.

So the short answer is that it didn’t take long for me to accept my new friends. In fact, I would say that other than my wife and daughter, the members of Undead Anonymous are the closest thing I have to family.  Actually, they are my family.

Thanks for the question.

What are your favorite foods?

For some reason, there’s this misconception that all zombies crave brains. This is just more Hollywood propaganda meant to make us look like the archetypal monsters they want you to believe we are.

First of all, brains are extremely difficult to get to. All of those movies and videos with zombies cracking open skulls with their hands and fingers. I mean, come on. Can you crack open a skull with your bare hands? Try doing it with decomposing tendons. And biting into a skull? Please. You have any idea how hard a human skull is? You ever try cracking open a cooked crab with your teeth? Not gonna happen. Now throw in the fact that your gums are rotting and your teeth are one missed formaldehyde fix from becoming a souvenir for some lucky Breather, and maybe you can see my point.

By the way, most zombies who’ve been around for a while are on a strict soft food diet. It’s not uncommon to see older reanimated corpses eating baby food.

Personally, I really love Cinnabons and Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. Though occasionally I like a nice pulled pork and Breather sandwich.

Thanks for asking!

Blysse Burnerchic from Black Rock City, NV asks:

When you’re dining out with a zombie and their ear falls off in their soup, is it considered proper etiquette to point it out to them?

Dining etiquette is always a touchy subject when it comes to the undead.

What’s an appropriate finger food?  How do you handle a dinner guest with leaky orifices?  And should you serve a Cabernet or a Pinot Noir with your mother’s broiled ribs?

These dilemmas aside, when it comes to spontaneous dismemberment at the dinner table, it can be quite embarrassing for both parties.  No one wants to be the bearer of bad news.  But much the same way it’s polite to let someone know they have spinach stuck between their teeth or a glob of mayonnaise on the corner of their mouth, it’s always proper to let someone know when their ear has fallen into their soup.  Unless of course you’re out at a five star restaurant and looking for a good lawsuit.

Thanks for the question.

Dane Zomboy Patrick from the cyber land of Yahoo! asks:

Do you guys ever have any problems with parts falling off? My left arm keeps dropping to the ground?

Yes Dane, parts falling off is a common problem among zombies and a constant source of embarrassment and shame.  Imagine the humiliation of impotence, only instead of not being able to become physically aroused, your uncooperative member falls off.

While I personally haven’t suffered the indignity of spontaneous dismemberment, as it’s called in the community, I know a number of zombies who have had to seek counseling to deal with the emotional fallout.  And if that’s not bad enough, fraternities often send their pledges on scavenger hunts for zombie appendages.

As for the problem with your arm, I suggest suturing it in place or even using a staple gun.  But if the flesh at the point of attachment has started to turn and the sutures just keep tearing out, then you might want to try some duct tape.

Thanks for the question…

This week, AJ Eberly from the land of hotmail asks:

Has there been any talk from Hollywood about turning your memoirs into a feature film? I know I’m just dying to see it. Who do you think could “breathe” unlife into you the best?

Actually, yes.  There has been talk of turning my memoirs into a feature film.  More than just talk.  Fox Searchlight Films, a division of 20th Century Fox, has acquired the film rights to Breathers to be co-produced by Diablo Cody and Mason Novick, with Geoff Latulippe on board to write the screenplay.

They’re pretty cool for a trio of Breathers, though I haven’t met Diablo Cody yet.  Whenever I bring it up, Rita gets upset.  I get the feeling she’s a little jealous.

As for who could “breathe” unlife into me on the silver screen?  I’m sure there are a number of quality Breathers out there I’m leaving off the list, but I don’t get to the movies much since we’re not allowed in movie theaters and my parents didn’t splurge for On-Demand.

Still, I could see Jason Segel or Jake Gyllenhaal playing me.  Anne Hathaway could play Rita, with James Franco as Jerry.  I’d love to see Christopher Walken as Ray.  Or maybe Steve Buscemi, though he could play Carl or Tom.  And I think Bruce Campbell would be great as my dad.

Which makes me wonder, who do YOU think should play me or Rita or Jerry or anyone else in the film version of Breathers?